#Embarrass Yourself

Fear of failure holds me back. That has been the case for a good while now, and I know that this is the case, and I need to fight and kill that part of myself.

One of my qualities from 10-15 years ago was my complete and utter shamelessness. I was a dumb kid who was not afraid to say what was on their mind, for better or worse. This caused me to embarrass myself a lot in front of my peers, both online and offline.

This meant however that I got stuff done, even if it was bad, even if it was embarrassing. This is the reason why I even know English at all, I wasn't afraid of saying something just because it might be wrong, just because there was a possibillity that someone would read what I say and get mad or upset, it never even crossed my mind. If it weren't for this stupid overconfident shamelessness, I wouldn't even be writing this right now!¹

But that shamelessness waned as I grew. I became mellower, more reserved, I started to hide how I feel, and I started to be afraid of failure or mockery.

This doesn't help me. This just means I don't get to do or enjoy anything, without that sneaking feeling that it won't end well and I'll be mocked.

But is it really that bad for that to happen? Is it worth the tradeoff? I really feel like it isn't, but that fear is so ingrained in me that it seems insurmountable.

I guess this really boils down to this adage I've seen thrown around over the past few years in my online circles: "Be cringe, be free." My desire to be seen as respectable and well-adjusted only really leads to misery because it means holding myself back and it means not getting to enjoy myself or experiment with new things or approach others and it is seriously debilitating. It truly gets in the way of every aspect of my life!

That anxiety that wells up, when you start playing in your head how things might go if you do something, theoretically, the worst possible outcomes on repeat in your head. That's the enemy. Get rid of it.

...The question is "How?" And I don't know. I think this is a skill that has to be learned. It's something you have to try and get better at.

I guess a good way would be to start with people you trust and with whom it's relatively low-risk to be a cringelord. From there you can try expanding, always trying to push a little further than your comfort zone allows. I know it's hard as hell to do this because it's exactly what I'm struggling with.

Talk to acquaintances you've never or rarely talked to directly, make something new and experimental and post it publicly, regardless of how you feel about it. And most importantly, try not to retreat and hide and build fear again when it does end up being embarrassing. Build your shameless overconfidence. Crush that little devil on your shoulder that makes you doubt yourself always. Take a break if it's too much, but don't let up.

There are a lot of people worse than you at everything that you can do, which find success just because they believe in themselves.

I'm tired of seeing villains and idiots succeed whereas myself and so many of those I know wallow in the dirt because we keep ourselves down with our own insecurities.

Enough is enough, you know? Let's all be better.